December has been a bittersweet month for me since 2011.
December in America, is full of celebrations, holiday preparations, good tidings, and good cheer for so many people. The stores and restaurants are packed with holiday decorations, sounds, and even smells. It's hard to escape the feeling of mandatory happiness because you are surrounded by it in public places and even on TV.
Prior to 2009, I was probably more Grinch than 'Who'. I can't recall owning a Christmas tree after I moved out on my own. I maybe mustered up enough holiday spirit to hang a string of lights or two but in most Decembers, it looked liked September in my place. When I started dating my husband, I would go to his apartment and watch him put up a Charlie Brown Christmas tree and hang lights in his windows while I sat on the couch in slight admiration.
In October 2009, we became parents and we spent our first Christmas with baby discussing what Christmas would look like for our family for the years ahead. After some discussion we agreed that it would look more like his apartment than mine, and our house still does to this day.
In 2011, a series of unfortunate events happened with the worst of them culminating in December. We had moved to GA earlier in the year for a job. In Apri, my father was hospitalized after suffering from a stroke. We made it to SC and headed tot he hospital to check on his status. After being in the room for less than 20 minutes, he suffered from a seziure right in front of my eyes. I was terrified and screaming because I didn't know what was happening. I though thatt he was going to die in front of my eyes, but thank God that he didn't . A few hours later, he was talking to me with no memory of the trauma that he unknowingly inflicted on me. He is released from the hospital and makes an almost full recovery.
Months pass and we come back to the December graduation of a college student that meant alot to us while we were at UNCC. That day as we were preparing to leave my mom's house for the ceremony, my dad stops by. It was an unexpected surprise to see him and catch up with him for a few before we headed to Charlotte. He was able to visit with Trey for a little. It was his birthday and he was waiting for my Aunt to take him to lunch. Before we left, I asked my dad to stop by the next day so that I can give him his birthday card. I hugged him and expected to see him the next day. He didn't show up before we left to go back to GA, so I left the card with my mom to deliver it.
13 days, later on December 30th, my husband recieved an early morning call letting us know that my dad had passed away.
The next December, and evey December after that, has been a month filled with mixed emotions of sadness, grief, and passing waves of joy. During the month of holiday cheer, I can't always put on a smile. As th e middle of the month arrives, I always remember my last visit and hug with my dad on his birthday not knowing it would be my last. I always remember that as people are planning for a new year, I was planning a funeral service. I remember that as the fireworks were exploding at midnight, that I was sitting in the hollway of my Aunt's house with tears rolling down my face and a broken heart.
For my now 2 sons, the house gets trimmed with decor, the elf shows up, and mom still makes the holidays feel like the world says it should. I still carry shards of hurt in my heart and I know that so many people also do. I've learned that navigating holidays that are forever entangled with loss is possible. Some years will be harder and some years milder. I have resolved that I will feel all the feeling when they come. I have to give myself grace and ask for that same grace from others that have expectations that I can't meet.
If you are reading this, please understand that no everyone can put on a smile and rise to the occasion on demand. Grief and sadness take different forms at different time. Be mindful that for others, all that holiday glitter may not be gold in their eyes.